Believing vs. Knowing

a lifelong study and reflection

It’s just after dawn.  I haven’t been sleeping well and my house is ripe with the chaotic remnants that plague my working days, a reminder of restlessness I’d rather ignore.  These last few weeks have been draining, with political maneuvering becoming a requirement and an attempt to maintain a sense of self outside the office to counteract the vampyric essence of my day to day.  The distractions of parties and events are simply that.  The time change has really thrown me, the darkness intruding early on my day, a subtle nudge on the realization that my evening hours are more often hollow than not.  Still, the winds have been shifting and while the entrapments with which I find myself entangled have grown, there is hope on the horizon.

As well as a trip to Spain. I am counting down the days and finding myself longing for the scent of a morning spent in unfamiliar territory.  The whimsical nature of traveling to foreign lands brings out a side of myself I wish I could share more often.  There is a sense of peace in knowing comfort is carried on your person, rather than tied to a place or a individual, a gift that comes with a release of the daily expectations of duty.  What are you when there’s no title to describe you?  Work is too often the thing that defines us, our professional identity that weighs equally alongside relationships.  Am I a programmer more than I’m a friend?  A leader more than a daughter?  If you count the hours spent in each role, the answer would be yes.  I hunger for the chance to regress beyond form and definition, to recoil back into that singular stance noted as only I or me ; it is that last inch, that piece we cradle to ourselves and bare only to a few in our entire lifetime.  This trip will be good for me and comes at a time when I need that solace of self.

There is much I wish to get outside my head; a crossroads of the future that will determine my next steps.  I am not sure what I want right now, it is an odd feeling.  For the past year, I have no questions, no drive to seek answers, only a calmness I’d never felt but appreciated.    Lately, I feel a sense of worry, deep and unbidden; I don’t like it.  I would rather the day come as it may, and alter my steps within the moment.  Knowing the future is less about prescience, but a causative creation, fueled by our desires and intentions.  My intentions are unclear, and in the face of their mystery (and my inability to decipher), I return to a different balm.

(props to artist)

 

Waiting and Fading

pieces floating by

Today was a rough day. One of those days where you realize you’re glad for the distractions of life, the idle roles and masks you wear, what you pick up and put on under the guise of responsibility and duty, whether to your co-workers or friends; the ones that make it possible for you to get through the hours.  It’s not until you get home and let the day sink through your skin, when you’re alone and realize there’s just the truth.  Forget perception and guided illusions, the story you tell with your facial expressions and carefully chosen words, the actions implying a consistency and stability you don’t feel…  it all goes away.  I say you…  when I really mean me.  This is my little tale, whispered from a narrator who only loves the movement of a plot, not the state of the protagonist.

Work hasn’t been going well.  Normally I talk of stress and the inherent craziness of impossible deadlines, the challenges of creating miracles and managing client relationships.  This is all still very present…  (weak laugh)  I have thrown myself into the latest echelon of the rising inner circle, lovingly called the Sr. Team, and brought my peers with me, in an effort to staunch the wound left from many poor decisions and misguided faith.  I am committed to riding it out, with a calm acceptance of either outcome; if nothing else, I am “going down swinging”.

Still, as I sit and ponder, reassess the communication delivered today of yet another sacrifice and hardship that must be absorbed by my entire team (and myself), I realize I haven’t yet begun to consider the impact to myself.  I have no plan B…  only a path that I am comfortable walking, with no set destination in mind.  It’s foolhardy, I’ll admit.  I can find no future that tugs harder than the day to day choices of evaluating the present moment and taking another step forward.  The boundaries that exist to keep a person sane from the chaos of this lifestyle are beyond me; I have no separation, no distinction between my personal and professional life.  There is only life, and nothing to keep me.  There is no future, no answer to the questions that float visibly above the intersecting webs, only a calm recognition: at the end of the day…  for them there is something else, there is at least a question that needs answering.  I am alone and have none of this; there is only today echoing amid memories of yesterday.

(props to artist)

Celebration Anticipation

a dream remembered

I woke up at an ungodly hour; the witching hour; when outside and staring at a misty-cloud filled sky, I felt that peaceful calm settle and that whisper of “it’s time for bed”.  Alas, it was not to be.  I’d forgotten the difference between an early morning and a late night.  Aside from the darkness, the general quiet as people start to wake up, there’s a sense of rising activity rather than a restful slumber waiting.  I’d never really classify myself as morning person, but for today, it was nice.

I’ll tell you, I’m at a few cross-roads these days.  Work feels like a large animal escaped from the zoo – there’s no knowing what it will do next; it’s enough to make one wonder…  if I were perfectly still, would the danger go away?  Restlessness is reaching an all time high, a two-hour massage, a chick flick and a night out with the gang didn’t help.  I’m thinking hard, scanning through scenarios for the future, trying to gauge at what point I’ll need to set a plan in action.  Change is in my head, infected from the air of tension that seems to surround every step.  But, haha, surprisingly, I’m sleeping ok.  Small miracles.

Next weekend is a huge event for me.  Two of my best friends are getting married!  It’s four days of celebration and frankly, this delightful distraction couldn’t come at a better time.  It’s a nice reminder that while I do not have those kind of priorities currently, they can and should (at some point) exist.  People in love are adorable.

(props to artist)

Beauty Undiscovered

attempting to breathe

For those in my little private circle, you know I’ve had a really rough stretch with work.  It’s taken absolutely everything.  Attempts at days off have been rejected by client demands and the lack of resources from my team, hours have peeled away my reserves until I am struggling to remember why to get out of bed.  It’s not just depression, or even exhaustion, but an overwhelming lack of balance, of something that feeds me where I hunger most.  Work is not enough, for all I pretend.  I do need something more; heh, a lot more.

Unfortunately, it’s the same story.  A very old story for me.  I am terrible at taking care of myself, of knowing what it is I need and then deciding to provide it.  I watch others manage this with a seemingly easy grace and I wonder: is it just that they know themselves better or just have better priorities.  It feels as though I am always trying, always struggling with the core of who I am and what I want.  Values and morals and defined boundaries, a clear concept of what I believe in; I’m too old to start this now.

I talk about it here because I am tired of excuses, of the absentmindedness with which I live this life.  Distraction is not enough.  The little games played to keep the mind occupied and accepting the lies of being needed.  I am not that important to anyone.

(props to artist)

Chillin’….

a wee bit o’ cleaning too

Blessed Sunday!  Cheers – it has been a delightful weekend.  I buried myself at home and did all the usual mishmash: cleaning, laundry, running errands, reading, taking spontaneous naps, and torturing my cat.  I almost even gave her a bath.  After this last week of work, that included significantly less sleep than I prefer, I really needed some down time.  A little Friday evening walk and dinner with friends set the tone, and it’s remained constant…  till about now, when I grudgingly give in and acquiese to the little work that must be done ‘er tomorrow.  All in all, I am well pleased.

Looking forward to the holiday, I’m going to try (for the third time, haha) to take Friday off.  Wish me luck!

(props to artist; this came up under a search for “vacuum” – gotta love Tokyo)

Treading Waters

wading in uncharted depths

So if you ignore the headache – and the fact I’m working on a Sunday night – this weekend was quite out of the ordinary.   Haha, mostly because I tried to take “vacation” (gasp!) and got out of town.  It was wonderful!  I had the barest minimal attention on work and instead focused on reading my book, lounging by the pool, talking with the ladies, and generally being silly.  Definitely need to take PTO more often.

The drive itself was lovely; I’m going to ignore the 28 miles stuck being someone who didn’t know how to use turnoffs.  I really dig road trips.  Lately I’ve done quite a few by myself, which if you knew the state of my car would make anyone worry, but there’s just something about it.  It’s looking out the window, feeling the wind breeze by, talking on the phone, even just having to concentrate on the road and the music and letting my mind wander.  Yes, must do more of that soon.

So, my latest pet peeve is with communication.   I get that it’s difficult to communicate when you have lots of crap going on and you know what you have to say isn’t going to be received well – so f-ing what.  When someone is depending on you, don’t leave them hanging…  don’t make them call you four times in a row just to hear you’ve been out for the past few hours and then expect them NOT to micromanage your a$$ for the remainder of the evening.   I might be bad at personal communication – freely admit it – but I’m never out of touch when it comes to my job.  It’s unprofessional and considering that the developer knew the deal going in, it’s flat out unacceptable.  There.  Done venting.

Time to work.

(props to artist)

Dreaming of Sleep

better than my usual dreams

I’m yawning as I write this.  It’s early to go to bed… but I’m really tempted.   My usual sleep-depraved ways have gone into overdrive this week; my early morning pitch up in LA didn’t help but my staying up until 5AM really wasn’t a wise decision.  (sigh) I’m tired.  Other than that, there isn’t much news to report.  Work is work, exciting and challenging; I fail at everything else.  Wrapped up in thinking about new technology and all my crazy schemes.  I need a vacation from myself.

(props to artist)

Senseless Meandering

wandering, semi-lost overgrown paths
timeshifted landscapes churn
weeds pulling at worn feet
treading, water-lost minutes pass
memorytorn nostalgia litters
windswept papers aim for the eyes

pretty uncalloused hands
free of stench, traces of earthdirt
clenching then letting go
dented handle-broke shovel
left to rust, traces of heartsweat
barely touched, letting go

meandering, never-found flowered valleys
graygreen dreamscapes stir
whispers faint on foggy horizons
standing, echo-still heart beats
an offcolor sun rises and sets
senseless pause for an almost smile

(props to artist)

Striving to Thrive

every little step matters

Whew, what a week.  After several kraze days, I’m surprised to find myself sans a hangover and feeling back to normal.  I’ve been out of sorts lately, fluctuating between a worn weary heart, aggressively stubborn cheerfulness and chilled isolation; the subtle growing awareness that I am alone creeps in my horizon and mocks my attempts to believe in something better.   Talking on the phone with old friends and finding out they still think of the me they knew ten years ago.  It’s not their fault, they liked me better then.  I can sense this, without the urge to change it; yet another difference.  I realize I’m used to being misunderstood, taken for something I’m not; I used to play on that, laugh at it, play the part with that peevish gleam, wondering when they would see it was all a game.  I don’t even bother these days – no one ever noticed anyway – now I find the misconceptions tiring.  Reflecting on the various interwoven complexities of relationships, it’s no wonder I work so much.

Speaking of which, I was promoted.  (takes a bow)  For how much I’ve let work take over my life, it’s nice to know my efforts are appreciated.  (laugh)  It’s truly been amazing, I never thought this job would suit me as much as it does.

There’s so much running through my head these days.  Implementing technology in new ways, bringing pieces together to create an experience, focusing on new business opportunities, wondering how to make it all work.  This weekend will find me lazing at home, writing up yet another wild scheme, indulging in coding, and sporadic naps.

Cali has eaten yet another pair of iPhone earbuds (grrrr).

(props to artist)

Following the Shiny Things

sheer distracting brilliance

My cousin is inspiring. He might not know it; he’s seems like a regular kinda guy most days, you’d never realize he very carefully considers the world and carves out his own universe inside of it.  Within that space, only his rules matter.  The tragic dramas of everyday existence seem to bounce off those invisible boundaries, the shortcomings and pitfalls that hover and infect waking moments, even the slithering whispers of doubt are identified as controlling propaganda he will not listen to.  Instead, he shouts with exclamation marks “Follow the Shiny Things!“.  The dare is intrinsic, though not wholly intentional; I grin, and ignore the misspellings and improper usage of capital letters.  Hell yes, I will.

I talked with my father tonight, lingering over the phone, swapping stories of my youth.  He told me one I hadn’t heard before (which is really saying something).  When I was born, and the doctors handed me to him, barely from my mother’s womb, he looked at me, and I smiled at him.  I have quite a few memories from those early years, mostly the fuzzy shapes transforming to familiar sensations.  I remember knowing my mother by the way her skin smelled, the touch of her hand, and the sound of her voice; my father, it was the warmth he projected in my direction.  Funny how life starts out, when everything is in wonder…  and the act of discovering, of finally knowing is akin to opening presents from on high.  Then at some point we forget how beautiful it all is, and learn that knowledge bears a burden called responsibility.  Suddenly there are words like being accountable for one’s actions, and concepts like suffering is how you develop character.  We come to understand the terrible difference between being an adult and a child.

Well, screw that.  I still want to have fun in life.  To cause a bit of mischief and laugh when I get caught.  To moo at the cows and dance in the rain.  To hold a ladybug in my palm while standing very still, struck by the elegant strangeness.  To get in my car and drive, no destination in mind.  And even knowing full well that such behaviors will generate rolled eyes and drawn-out sighs, I’ll tell the truth: I can’t help myself.

The thing is (and this is hard to admit) I want to be a shiny thing as much as I reach for them.  I want someone to reach for me, for no reason other than they damn well want to.

(Btw, if I need to explain what shiny things are, you’ve missed the point entirely.)

(props to artist)